Kidneys: Trying to put a positive spin on this

I just returned from two days in Portland, Oregon, at Oregon Health Sciences University. I was being evaluated as a potential recipient of a kidney transplant. The first day was spent doing lots of medical tests and speaking with a counselor about my living situation and mental health. The second day was spent learning about kidney transplants and speaking with a dietitian about my diet and some of the restrictions I would face if I received a transplant. Then there were the doctors. A complete medical history, a physical, and discussion of my current medications. The listing of prior illness, surgery, and medical treatments took forever. That was before the Boss Doc came in to deliver the bad news.

I did not get good feedback about my chances to get a transplant. I did not hear "No" exactly. I did hear that the possibility was very low, given my health history and 40 years of Type 1 diabetes and its complications. I heard a list of reasons why I would not be a good candidate for transplant, enough that I have accepted the denial, even before the official letter arrives in about ten days.

I cried at first. I felt the door close, a whoosh of air, a thump of pressure. My husband hugged me, helped me pick up my stuff: the paperwork, the folder of materials they gave me, my purse stuffed with even more papers. We left the office and went to the car. By then, I was better. I knew what my options were. Dialysis or not.

When my body demands dialysis, I have a couple of choices in type of procedure. I believe I will choose hemodialysis in a center and possibly later I can do home hemodialysis. Or I could choose no treatment. The result of that would be a slow relatively painless death. I think I want to live, even if I have to undergo dialysis. I am not entirely certain of that yet.